It's the Final Countdown!

So right now I am sitting in my last class on the Pasadena campus of Fuller Theological Seminary.  I have spent the last two years running around sometimes like a chicken with my head cut off.  I have pushed myself to the edge at time, and then had some loving friends shove me away from that edge.

The class that I am sitting in is the Capstone course for my program, so it is the summation of everything that I have learned.  It is interesting to see how far the thoughts I have had about God have changed over the last few years. (disclaimer: I still know and trust God, and all my new thoughts are extremely Biblical)

In much of my life I have had a very small view of God enough though I have seen God move in such mighty ways.  I in some degree have felt that I could control situations better than God could.  I would say that I was trusting Him, but then in truth I was leaning on the things that I knew.  I just thought that I was giving my all so that any situation I was in would work out.

In the last few years God has lovingly put things in my path to prove me wrong.  Nothing he put there was super overwhelming, but it was just enough to push my buttons of control.  I needed to be reminded that I did not have the ability to fix anything on this Earth without the power of God in me.  This brings me to a new truth that I am having to cling onto: "I cannot fix things, only creator God can fix his Creations."

I am having to remind me that I am walking in the light of God, and not the light of Mel.  When I try to walk in the light of Mel then I always find myself at the edge trying to not fall off.  At that time I normally run directly to God and start freaking out that I am feeling alone and lost.  However God was there the whole time standing with me.  He allowed me to walk somewhat blinded, but always with a buffer of protection from Him.  Sometimes that buffer was my friends that kept me in line with God, or sometimes it was those times of suffering that brought me back.

I have been so challenge by this idea.  I love that God has always brought people into my life to show me more of God's love for me.  I know that I still have tons to learn, and know that I will be learning the rest of my life.  I am so excited to say that I am loving God even more daily, and walking more boldly and confidently in Him.

So here is a photo of some of my friends I am graduating with, and that have fed into my life.

Thank you for being willing to read my musings, and sometimes my ramblings in life.  I am excited to be finishing my last quarter on campus, and then I will officially finish next quarter after my time in South Asia.  I will then be seeing God move in great ways.

Artist

As many of you know I am an artist.  I have become very skilled at the art form that I practice, but I have recently started practicing a new art.  The art of not knowing!  I have been practicing this art a lot lately, and I am not sure I am getting any better at it.

"So what projects are you working on?" I hear you ask.  Well first it is where to live after school if over.  I am officially done with school at the end of August, and I have no idea what is coming next.  I have so many options that could or could not work, and lots of places that I could go.  I am trying to decide where to live, and what I am wanting to do when I grow up.  This is not something that is extremely overwhelming, but it is something that I find difficult to deal with.

I have so many factors that are at play in all these situation.  I love and miss my family, but I know that California might have more job options.  Oklahoma is cheaper.  California is where I have been doing ministry, and have a youth group I am extremely invested in.  There is so many options that options begin to just blend together.

Then many of you may not know but I have also been having some weird medical issues.  It has been going on for almost 3 months now, and we have not been able to have any answers.  Every test they have done has come back normal.  All the doctors keep saying that "they don't see anything wrong, but obviously there is something wrong."  I am having to keep waiting it out to find out what is going on.  I find myself to often on WebMD trying to see what I might have***disclaimer*** Never do this because you just feel like you are about to die right then and there***disclaimer***

With all this waiting I am having to just sit in it.  I can't make a plan or decide a path because all of these things play into each other.  I have to trust that God knows what is going on, and that I will come out stronger on the other side.  I know that God has a plan!  I just sometimes wish he would be willing to give me a map ahead of time, but since he has not I just have to wait it out.

I know that you are for me!

So this last week in church we began to speak about the idea of our identity in Christ.  This is something that I was sure I was pretty confident in for myself.  I knew that I had the love of God in me, and that I am being led by him daily.

As our pastor(who is pretty awesome) began to share about how we can have an identity in Christ, but at the same time since we live in a fallen world our identity of ourselves can be off from how God sees us.  I thought that I knew this, but it seemed as the service went on I did not know that.  I was beginning to see that from things that happened in my life and family have made me not really know how my Father God sees me.

In the Response time we began singing the song I Know That You are For Me (if you have not heard check it out  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_35gB76xV_Y).  In the chorus it begins to remind us that God is for us and that He will never leave us even in our weakness.  That hit me so hard!  I just began to weep and not really understanding what was wrong, because I thought I knew who I was in Christ.

It was then that I realized that for whatever reason I feel like God is just waiting for a reason to give up on me.  I know in my head that He would never do that, but in my heart at times I just feel like God waiting for me to mess up enough so He can walk away.  As I sang the words "I know that you are for me", I began to realize that God is truly for me.  That He is fighting for me, and standing in my place for the battles that I am facing.

This is such a striking thing to me.  I have no idea what in my past has told me that I have to prove my worth to God, but something has done that.  It had me thinking more about do I truly understand the identity that I was given God, and how the identity that the world has given me changes my view of God.  I know that this is something that will not change overnight, but it is something that I have to keep chewing on.

Then the Lord also loves to show me that he does fight for me by providing.  As many of you know I have been trying to raise funds to get to South Asia this summer, and it has been a bit stressful to get that money in.  I have felt like the money was just slowly coming in, and it was never all going to get in.  Then in just a few days God has moved people to give and brought in the 50% that was needed by today.  I just feel like I need to have these reminders that the Lord is for me!

waiting...

Can I just say that waiting is one of the things that stresses me out the most.  I am not talking about waiting in line, but I am talking about waiting for things to come together.  I know that I am not alone in this, but sometimes it feel like I am.

Why is this an issue you might ask...well I am in this stage of waiting.  I am graduating school in June and still have no idea what is coming next in life.  Also I am trying to get to South Asia, but having to wait on God to provide the funds to go.  In recent days I have felt like I am just doing nothing except going to school.

In my normal methods at this point I would be furiously planning and making hundreds of back up plans.  This planning is something that I am good at, but it has been pointed out to me recently that my planning was becoming an idol.  I was doing the planning more than anything else including going to God for the plans at times.

So after some very wise council I have been taking a planning fast...I have to be reminded daily that while I am not planning God still has a plan in the works.  When I look at the amount of funds that have come in for my trip is only 10% of what I need by June, I have to be reminded that God is still working.  I have no idea how or what God is going to do to make all of these future plans work, but I have to have faith that it is going to work.  So now God is helping me learn to wait on Him and those around me to see what God has for me.

It's Official!

So officially I have been accept for my practicum site in South Asia!!!  I had a phone interview with the company on Wednesday, and then got my official acceptance on Thursday.  Now all that is left to figure out is how to pay the $5000 that it will cost in the next few months.

The thought of money got me thinking about the provision of God.  In the past, every time that I have needed to raise fund God has always provided.  However every time I get a new thing that needs fund I freak out about the money.  I get worried that I will commit to something then the money not come through.  Even in talking to people about my trip I almost always will mention something about needing to figure out money.

Then a great theologian and an amazing friend of mine named Stephanie Obad preached a great message at youth group this last Friday.  In our youth group we have been going through the book of Matthew since the beginning of December.  We have really been engaging with the text and what it means to us in our everyday lives.  This week's message was covering Matthew 14-15.  One of the things that really hit me from Steph's message is that the disciples brought what they did not think was enough, and God made it exactly what they needed and even more.

That just amazed me!  I have heard this story a million times, but to realize that I will never have enough in myself yet God still wants me.  He wants my lack of ability.  He want to take the things that I fail at and make them wonderful works of his hand.

So still I am sitting here thinking I have no idea where this money is going to come from, but I know that I can give it to God.  This is not saying that I don't have to put some effort in, but it is saying that I do not have to sit and worry all day about the money.  I can rest in the grace of the Lord because He will not let me fall beneath the waves just like He did not let Peter fall when he was trying to walk on water. 

The Lord Changes My Plans

So as you can guess this blog post is going to be about the Lord changing my plans.  So the plans that have been changed are the plans for my practicum site.  I have been avoiding going overseas for my practicum.  I wanted to stay Stateside, and most likely in California.  For the last 2 months I have been searching high and low for a practicum site.  I wanted to find something also using the arts since that is my focus in school.  It seemed like every site that I would propose did not fit the criteria for our practicums here at school.

About 4 weeks ago I started feeling like God said that I should be doing my practicum overseas.  I tried to ignore this fact, and kept looking domestically.  However every corner I turned just lead me back to international travel.  This fact scares me a bit because of the finances that will be needed to go overseas, and that I would need the funds by mid-June.

Well I finally gave in,and started to look at international practicum sites.  I was not really finding anything that had to do with the arts until I came across the Wycliffe Bible Translators website.  I had seen them before with using music in ministry, but that is not really my background.  However they have now added a new portion to their work which is an Art Consultant.  They allow artist of any kind to see how their art form will work in ministry.  So I have just put in my application to go to South Asia with them.  What exactly is South Asia you may ask...well here is a map for you.

In this trip we will be travelling by train to 3 major cities.  We will be getting training in Storytelling and Linguistics.  Both of these are extremely important since most of the unreached people groups do not have a written language or most of the population are illiterate.  I am hoping to hear back from them soon, and then just praying that God helps provide the funds.  I know that this trip will never happen without God working great miracles.  I will let you guys know once I know more, but one thing that I would appreciate is if you would be willing to pray for this trip/me.

The Haves and Have Nots

So lately I have been thinking about the idea of having and not having.  This idea is a truth in our world that we all must face.  All of us have things that we do or don't have case closed.  I think however that we spend so much time thinking on what we don't have instead of what I see as the more logical of haves.

Why are we so obsessed with this idea of not having something.  Often in the First World the things that we are obsessing over having are not things that we need, but things that we desire.  I know that it is not bad to have desires, but I think the problem begins when we are so caught up in those desires that we forget the blessings that we already have.  Even if you are relatively poor in the United States you will have much more than those around the world.

I am not saying that we should all be hermits and just live off the land.  I am saying to we need to reexamine our own lives for our priorities.  If we are sitting there complaining that things don't go our way, then asking ourselves does it really have to go that way?  If we are given something but it is not really what we wanted, should we be upset about that or be happy with the gift?

These things on this earth that we amass are meaningless in the grand scheme of things.  How is it that a child in deepest poverty in another part of world can be sooo happy, but a child here in the United States can be so upset with having so much.  I know that this is a much bigger issue than this, and this tiny blog post does not even touch the surface.  These are things that have just been rumbling in my head.

I also know that I am guilty of this same thing that I am complaining.  When I saw how much my tax return would be my first thoughts were not how could I use this money to do good, but it was how can I spend it on myself.  I need to keep asking these question and know that there may not be an easy answer that can fix all things.